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Daddy Dearest…A letter I wish you could read…

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Dear Paa,

Since you left a lot has changed….

The world kept telling me:  when you lose a parent you get a God!!!

But I keep telling this world to stop feeding lies. When I lost a parent like you, I started a war against God. Honestly and humbly, God has so far been winning all the battles and tired now I have called for a truce. I am old now you see and have finally realized winning is overrated even if it is against God..

There have been many positive changes since you left. Indian Cricket team is stronger and there is a phenomenon called T-20 and IPL. One bad news though; Sachin Retired. Better movies are made today, kinds which would have reminded you of Gurudutt and Bimal Roy.

Incoming calls on cell phones are free now and outgoing is cheap thanks to crazy competition
The kind of cell phones made these days u wud not have believed. Although I still have your huge black Nokia size of a brick which costed a fortune. It is on my bedside near your photograph. Middle class started imagining cars other than Maruti Suzuki…

We have Facebook now where snap opinions are formed and judgments are passed. People have opinions on me and some have passed judgments on me as well. Yours was the only opinion that mattered and yours is the only judgment I am still scared of. I try to live up to the reputation of being your daughter but screw ups in my life are inevitable. The intensity of these screw ups is aggravated with your absence…

People no longer write letters and give cards on Father’s Day. They just tag their Dads. But don’t worry if you were around I would have written a letter like always (and also tagged u… I can’t help it… it is illness ). You would have liked Facebook. it’s a fun place to be on, away from reality. I spend most of my spare time here. The reality is still very hard for me. I know you would not have liked this, but my habit of running away from harsh truth has not changed. I will definitely try and put my feet on the ground and head out of clouds and do something worthwhile to make u proud.

I miss having u around when I see the world becoming so much fun and so colorful. Just the way u would have liked. Most of all, I miss having a good competition in sense of humor and writing skills department. People have everything but seem to have lost humor


It would have been fun if you were around. Now that I have a job and make ok money, I would have pampered u with really expensive gifts. Trust me when I say I can afford to. I m that grown up. I also know u wud have been crazy proud of me coz I can now buy things for you from my salary and not from money saved from pocket money. The truth is; I am always short on money. I fall short by 50 bucks a week, exact allowance I got from u…

The world is fun and more colorful but you not being part of it makes it empty and spoils the fun… you should have been around… not because I need you to take down God for me…. But only because I love you and I did not tell this to you enough when you were around…there are a lot of I love yous to say and not enough time to say it…. I hope people reading this learn from my mistake and say a lot of love yours while there is still time…
Taking down God along your side would have been another level of fun..Did I say Happy Father’s Day… can’t wait to see you again and settle scores with God….

 

Love n Hugs n Kisses…

Your Little Girl…

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LifestylePositivity DosageRANDOM

Is Your Partner Lying to You?

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Is Your Partner Lying to You?

Do you have a sneaking feeling that your partner is lying to you? Are you longing for a way to find out whether what your partner says they are up to when they aren’t with you is true? Detecting lies does not require psychic powers or mind reading abilities. How many movies and television series have you seen on telltale signs that someone is lying? Some of what they say is actually true and you can master these techniques too. Let us first take a look at why partners lie before we find ways to detect such lies. I will also tell you some tried and tested ways to handle the situation if you find that your partner is lying to you.

What Partners Lie About

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Here are common situations in which partners are likely to lie.

Relational Issues

  • Usually, partners lie or give excuses about why they cannot see you or spend time together. For instance, your partner may tell you that they are busy at work, or that they are not feeling well enough or they have some urgent errands to run.
  • They lie about their past relationships, usually in order to avoid awkwardness, conflict or unnecessary arguments.
  • Your partner may lie to you about his/her attraction towards another person. The reason for this is quite obvious!
  • In a relationship, partners are found lying about their secret contact with a third person. This secret contact can be sexual or non-sexual.
  • Partners are generally seen lying about their level of commitment to each other. This is because they are unsure of their feelings or uncertain about the future.

Sexual Issues

  • Lovers usually conceal their sexual fantasies about somebody else during sex with their partners. Usually, the fantasy involves a co-worker, partner’s family member or a friend.
  • Men, in particular, have been found to lie about masturbating. They usually do not reveal the number of times they masturbate.
  • Remember that famous scene from When Harry Met Sally where the character played by Meg Ryan fakes an orgasm right in the middle of a restaurant? All she was proving was that partners tend to lie about how good their experience of intercourse was.
  • Lovers or spouses usually hide information about their past sexual acts, virginity, child abuse or abortions.

Insecurities

  • Partners are usually seen lying about their physical health or appearance, such as weight and age.
  • Partners can give untruthful data about their family and friends. This is because they want to present a better picture than the reality.
  • Your partner could lie to you about their feelings and emotions. This is usually because they are scared for being taken for granted or fear negative perceptions.

Negative Behaviours

  • Partners usually lie about the present or past drug use.
  • Your partner might be lying to you about alcohol consumption.
  • Partners generally lie about their smoking habit as well.
  • Gambling involvement is mostly concealed by partners.

Financial Issues

  • Partners tend to lie about their inherited property, income and financial resources.
  • Your partner could lie to you about their debt level.
  • They also tend to hide how they might be splurging their hard earned money.

Once you know the various circumstances in which your partner could lie to you, it becomes easier to detect the lies. Let us now take a look at the various ways to detect when your partner is lying to you.

Ways to Detect If Your Partner Is Lying to You

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Jean Baptiste Poquelin Moliere once said, “One is easily fooled by that which one loves.”

So, if you want to save yourself from this situation, you should know the methods of detecting deception.

  • Observe the Micro-Expressions: Although these expressions flash across the face of a person for a fraction of a second, they reveal the true emotion that the person is concealing beneath their façade. These micro-expressions are easily detectable. Usually, you will notice the emotion of distress on your partner’s face, which is characterized by a frown.
  • Notice the Eye Movements: As said by Paulo Coelho, “No one can lie, no one can hide anything when he looks directly into someone’s eyes.” So, you can detect if your partner is cooking up a story based on their eye movements. If your partner is lying, they will move their eyes to the left. Rapid blinking of the eyes is another way to detect if a person is lying. It is also found that people, mostly men, rub their eyes when lying.
  • Notice Speech Patterns: If your partner starts speaking in a higher pitch, is hesitant in their speech or makes more grammatical errors than usual, there is a possibility that they are lying. Also, you will notice discrepancies between their facial expression and their tone of voice.
  • Look for Mouth Covering and Nose Touching: If you notice your partner touching his/her nose too often, there is a probability that they are lying. A person who is lying is also tends to cover their mouth with their hands or place their hands near the mouth while speaking. This is one of the easiest ways to detect if your partner is lying or concealing the truth.
  • Offensive Vs Defensive: When confronted with the truth, do you see your partner becoming offensive or defensive? A person telling truth will always be offensive, while a liar will usually behave defensively.
  • Ask Direct Questions: Ask direct questions or confront your spouse or partner. If they give an indirect reply or act evasively, chances are high that they are lying to you. Being unable to confront you is a key sign of guilt.

I did not need thorough practice to detect whether my partner was lying to me, all I needed to do was to remain more alert and cautious, and observe these signs closely. Try not to snoop after your partner all day. You can always give your partner the benefit of the doubt and give them a chance to explain themselves. If it still doesn’t work, here are few steps that will help you deal with the situation if you find that your partner is lying to you.

How to Handle Lying in Partners?

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I understand that coping with the discovery that your partner is lying to you can be very difficult. Lying arouses a wide range of emotions inside us, but all you need to do is to tame those emotions and follow these steps to handle the situation so that you can catch your partner lying to you.

Be Calm

This is the most important thing you need to do. If you immediately rush off to confront your partner, especially without adequate evidence, you will only end up messing things up. What you need to do is step back, breathe deeply and relax. Instantly reacting to a situation will add more fuel to the fire. I had an experience where a friend of mine called me, crying because she thought her partner was cheating on her. She said she had heard a recording of her partner and another woman and she thought they were talking in coded words. Her instant reaction was to furiously react to the situation and declare that her boyfriend was being unfaithful. Later on, she found out that it was an insurance lady and her partner didn’t even know her. The accusations were hurtful and it took a long time for the couple to work things out and get back to their usual, loving relationship. So, keep your cool before reaching to a conclusion.

Confirm Your Suspicions

The first thing you need to do once you calm down is confirm whether your partner is actually lying to you. Get your facts right and double check them. Please make sure you do not involve family or friends in this matter since it can lead to irreparable damage and reckless gossip. Carry out your own investigation, hire a detective if you need to or purchase spy mobile software, which will help you to keep track of the calls, messages, and e-mails made or sent by your partner. You cannot have a plan of action until you have irrefutable proof that you are being lied to.

Confront Your Partner If Lying is Confirmed

Flush all the rage, need to swear and shout or even cry out of your system. When the time comes to confront someone with the truth, the most important thing is that you are in full control of your emotions and that you are able to put forward your arguments in a logical and calm manner. Once you know you can do this, tell your partner you need to talk. If you give an extreme reaction at the time of confrontation, it may lead to something that you will regret later.

Talk to your partner in a relaxed and non-threatening manner. Bring up the issue in a casual conversation. Come up with the truth and tell your partner what you have learned about the actual situation. Ask direct and relevant questions. Don’t let the topic be changed or the issue be evaded.

Listen Without Interrupting

I know you there will be a volcano ready to erupt within you, with questions, accusations, and emotions all ready to burst forth. However, you need to give your partner a chance to explain themselves and you have to patiently listen to their side of the story. Remember that you are the one who initiated this confrontation, so courtesy demands that you listen without prejudice.

Reconcile or Walk-Out

It is a very important thing for you to decide whether you are willing to forgive them, reconcile and move ahead with the relationship, putting all this behind you. If not, are you prepared to walk away from this relationship?

If your partner has been lying to a sexual partner, drugs addiction or gambling, it is advisable that you seek further consultation either from a marriage counselor or a de-addiction center. If this doesn’t work, you might need to end it here before you get hurt any further. However, if you feel that these are petty lies and can be forgiven, it is better to sort it out among yourselves and come to an understanding about the rules of communication, setting down guidelines of what each person will do if they discover that the other has been lying to them.

“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.”~Abraham Linoln

 

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I Roar, I Dance, I Rule!

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We are all entitled to celebrate who we are every single day I believe. But I also strongly advocate going over the top and all guns blazing every women’s day. Now, there are many who think that there is too much going on already in and around women’s life. Few of the women are already too in your face with their defiance towards shaving their legs & armpits and their outright refusal to wear bras; why give a special day to these feminazis who have already made our lives uncomfortable with their demand for equality. Honestly, I think we society as a whole should be uncomfortable when we observe the kind of hard struggles women go through all for mere ‘Equality’. Last year was fairly good in this area I must say. Few of our female counterparts were the centre of attraction for their accomplishments and some others were brave enough to stand up against shamers. These instances made us all go gaga and crazy proud of fellow females:
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Jeniffer Aniston’s letter on Body shaming:

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The girl has clearly paid her dues of being a celebrity almost all her life. Ever since she was part of a famous marriage and equally infamous divorce. One innocent outing on a beach with current husband got the shutterbugs all riled up. The curve of her tummy was on a trial all of a sudden. Her diet, exercise routine and hypothetical pregnancy at her age, all was questioned and frowned upon. She finally broke her silence and ended rumors of pregnancy and setting body shamers straight all at the same time. Her stand was clear; Motherhood is only a part of being a woman and being or not being a mom is her decision alone and her body is her body alone. If only we all care about our own tummy and curves, the world would become a prettier place.
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Emma Watson’s take on Beauty and the Beast:

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Belle has always been smarter than the rest of her Disney princess counterpart. When Emma Watson was approached to play the part, she decided to take the character of Belle on a different level altogether. Watson made Belle wear pants and not dresses; she made Belle ride a horse and portrayed her as a scientist and not a vain dreamer. Prima facie the changes do not appear to be revolutionary but when you think about the kind of effect fairy tales have on children, it is a huge step forward. Princesses are capable of doing much more than dozing off, remaining stuck in household chores, singing to birds and forever waiting for a Prince Charming. This Belle got it all; Beauty, Brains and the Beast.

Dancing & Skateboarding Burqa clad Saudi Women:

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After I first saw the video and was happily impressed, I decided to look up for translation of lyrics of the song to which these amazing women were dancing. Part of the song literally translated to:

“May all men be erased as they’ve given us mental illness” and
“Every single one of them has a devil inside them”

Now I myself have had my share of mental illness at the hand of men and am often accused of indulging in bitter diatribe targeted on men; the crime I honestly confess to and enjoy at the same time. But this instance of Burqa clad dancing women is the kind of courage we fortunate enough to live in comparatively liberal society can only dream of possessing. In a country where driving for women is a criminal offence, Skateboard under my Burqa is nothing less than a revolution. Take a bow my dancing, skateboarding, basket ball playing and burqa wearing queens.

Sania Mirza’s take on Baby Pressure:

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This girl deserves a collective Thank You from all the above 30 childless women of India. When a leading news anchor asked her, like an overly concerned distant relative “ when are you planning to settle down” (as in make babies); Sania literally tore the man apart with her counter question of How many grand slam titles does it take for a woman to tell the world that she is finally “Settled Down”. If only people stay out of other people’s uterus; the world would be so much better and so much fairer.

Ruling (almost) the Whole world:

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So close and yet so far! When Hilary Clinton stood for the most powerful office in the world, I thought the world would finally be better and kinder place for us. Unfortunately, she lost out to a man who is the embodiment of racism and sexism combined. Although she lost, but it was great to see her go this far and stand up to all the filth thrown towards her. Few of the remaining parts of the world have been kinder and that is also great. Theresa May is all draped up in a Sari and dons leopard print kitten heels and rules the UK, it is difficult to imagine Germany and even European Union without Angela Merkel and Mother Teresa is now Saint Teresa. All these victories are no fewer reasons to celebrate.

For a distant future, I wish there would come a day when there would be normalcy surrounding womanhood. When I talk about normalcy; I mean there should neither be hatred nor bling surrounding woman. Such normalcy is the ultimate objective for most of us women. A time should come when there is no misogyny; that will be the time when no celebration shall be needed. As long as there are people who keep telling women what to shave, what to show and what to wear; we will need women who burn their bras in full public view.

In order to balance out suppression, Celebration is needed, the kind of celebration which is in form of a loud roar, in our face and dances on a skateboard.

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Inspirational Vault

So, what’s your Superpower?

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Did you ever feel jealous of these heroes who have been shoved down our throats all through our lives? These heroes who could fly, fight, be invisible, resemble a creepy animal and wear tacky outfits; often all at the same time. I always wished to have a Superpower. I am going to be honest, I  never was that noble. Saving the world was way down on my priority list, attention from people and weird outfits was what attracted me. As I grew up I realized it is not a very good idea to be a superhero. Because if I wanted to have a chance to survive in this world; I had to merge against the wall, remain lost in a crowd and wear my underwear under my pants! Clearly, all these traits for survival as recommend by the world are anti-superhero.

This world is a weird place, it craves for villains more than heroes. Villains make life easier you see. We can dump our failures, incompetence, insecurities and our cowardice on villains and they happily bear this burden. Heroes on the other hand are made a target because they force us out of our comfort zone, choosing good is hard you know. So this  world decided to neglect heroes to the extent of worthlessness and responsibility fell upon the few of us old school pupils to find lost superheroes. I found one such superhero in myself. Now, I may not have the powers to fly or throw cobweb from my wrist but my set of superpowers are also pretty cool. I realized as I worked on my powers that some superpowers are inbuilt, some are transmitted and for some you have to work your ass off.

Will you people believe if I tell you that once I had this ability (not calling it Superpower) to completely deny any problem to an extent that it vanished. Of course the same problem did rise back much later with much more power to bite me. I spent a lot of time, money and energy in therapy but only thing that helped me deal with my trauma was total denial. I would have continued to live on this denial mode had these words of the greatest mind of our generation (Tyrion Lannister) not sting me like some radioactive bug,

“Never forget what you are, the rest of the world will not. Wear it like an armor and it can never be used to hurt you”.

I knew he was talking directly to me when he said it. I am proud to say that now I have the ability to acknowledge my problems, look them in the eye, work upon them and ask for help if needed, to overcome them. This, my friend, is nothing less than a superpower when you consider that I was once the queen of denial land and more so when you see delirious souls around you, drifting through their lives like zombies, without knowing what’s going on.

Do you remember that dream where you are falling and falling and you clearly remember the fear of hitting the ground; that ground never comes because it is a dream. Well! I have lived that dream in reality. In dreams, the anxiety of hitting the ground goes away in a few seconds, in reality, that phase of fear lasted for 2 years.  For 2 years, I kept waiting that my head would hit the ground and with that my fear will also go away. This brings me to the second superpower; getting back up after falling down.

There has never been a superhero who claimed not to have fallen. Batman’s whole world just blew up right on his face when his parents were shot before his eyes. Spiderman grew up without parents and saw people he loved killed before him. Superman’s entire planet vanished one fine day, on top of it he faced the trauma of having to wear undies over pants. It doesn’t mean that without a trauma you can not be a hero, all am saying is looking beyond a trauma is a great superpower.

When I was going through my trauma, every time anybody came to me and told me that everything happens for a reason, I should be happy irrespective of my circumstances, I resisted my urge to punch that person. Some really awful things happen to some really nice people and it is insensitive to ask them to look for a reason in these awful things. In such circumstances when you are grieving the loss of life, love or health and in spite of that you are able to identify and acknowledge your problems and are able to get back up; it is enough for now. Being able to put one foot before another when the whole world came crashing down on your head is the kind of power even superheroes are envious of.

Grab hold of your superpowers people, tie them around your neck like a cape and go fly right over the world which once thought you are too weak to even walk!

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Decision fatigue and the science behind good and bad decisions.

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Have you wondered why sometimes even the smallest decisions can seem to be such a big deal? We all go through those nights when deciding over what food to order or which movie to watch takes so long that it kills the need to do so.

 

This age of abundance of options means that we need to make decisions all the time.

The problem is, not all choices are created equal. Endless choices are taking a toll. Millennials are called the Peter Pan generation because of our inability or perhaps unwillingness to grow up. We’re making commitments to careers, to partners and to children later in life than any other generation thus far. Decision fatigue helps explain why ordinarily sensible people get angry at colleagues and families, splurge on clothes, buy junk food at the supermarket and can’t resist the dealer’s offer to rustproof their new car. No matter how rational and high-minded you try to be, you can’t make decision after decision without paying a biological price. It’s different from ordinary physical fatigue — you’re not consciously aware of being tired — but you’re low on mental energy. The more choices you make throughout the day, the harder each one becomes for your brain, and eventually it looks for shortcuts, usually in either of two very different ways. One shortcut is to become reckless: to act impulsively instead of expending the energy to first think through the consequences. (Sure, tweet that photo! What could go wrong?) The other shortcut is the ultimate energy saver: do nothing. Instead of agonizing over decisions, avoid any choice. Ducking a decision often creates bigger problems in the long run, but for the moment, it eases the mental strain.

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Do You Suffer from Decision Fatigue?

Decision fatigue happens every day in your life as well. It is closely related to a phenomenon called ego depletion, which essentially shows that if you have to force yourself to complete an unpleasant task (or to keep from engaging in a pleasurable activity), you will be less able to exert self-control for the next hurdle. If you have a particularly decision-heavy day at work, then you come home feeling drained. You might want to go to the gym and workout, but your brain would rather default to the easy decision: sit on the couch. That’s decision fatigue.The same thing is true if you find it hard to muster up the willpower to work on your side business at night or to cook a healthy meal for dinner.

And while decision fatigue is something that we all deal with, there are a few ways that you can organize your life and design your day to master your willpower.

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What you can do about it

Minimize choices

Just like Mark Zuckerberg, you can decide to cut your options so you can minimize the amount of decisions you have to take daily. Getting rid of objects is a great way to start, as well as planning your meals in advance or sticking to a diet. Routines and habits are another great way to make sure that there is no choice involved, and you let the automation do the work. This is why I like to go to the gym at the same time every day.

Move important things early in the day

Timing is everything. If you want to make the most out of your day, make sure to put your priority first, when making good choices is easier. This is why the morning is the best time to invest in yourself.

Train your willpower

Once our self-control has depleted, we tend to go for our default setting. So make sure your default setting isn’t a negative one. You can also train your willpower incrementally, and by exposing yourself to inspiring models that support you and show you the next level.

Advance your decisions

Choose your outfit the evening before. Get your running gear at the bottom of your bed before going to sleep. This way, you can move menial decisions to the end of the day, and save tomorrow’s full tank for what really makes a difference.

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The Bottom Line

Willpower isn’t something you have or something you lack. It rises and falls. And while it’s impossible to maximize your willpower for every moment of every day, it is possible to make a few changes to your day and your routine so that you can get the most of your decisions and make consistent progress on the things that are important to you.

 

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Letter to 18 Year Old Me

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My Dearest 18 year old Self,

Congratulations !!! You can now vote and drive. One fine day you got up and the world started calling you an adult and you have no idea how to stop it. Little did you know that your relationship with the world is purely convenience based. It will treat you like an adult when it suits it’s need and will treat you like a kid whenever it feels like.

At present your head is constantly in the clouds, thinking about the college you would get into, will meet the love of your life there. Sometimes you picture yourself as this super successful woman right at the top of corporate ladder in a corner office by the time you reached 30. Okay!!! I promise I will not laugh at you. I envy and miss your vulnerability. You have been picturing yourself in a red wedding dress since you were probably 2 years old. Somehow walking down the aisle towards a man was your “The” moment of life. You also used to think that maximum by the age of 30 you would become a mother to a little girl. Now that I analyse your behavior, it appears as if you are suffering from split personality disorder of some kind coz you considered yourself a feminist and at the end of the day could not remove from your brains the image of red wedding dress and man and a baby before 30. But I don’t blame you, for me you are still just a kid.

There was so much going on inside your 18 year old head. College, job, wedding, baby !!! You should chill. Corner office will take time but you will get there. Marriage is way too over rated I tell u. If you do find love of your life do get married no problem. If not, please do not undersell yourself and do not settle for first mediocre guy that comes in your life. If he does not treat you like a miracle that you are, he is a wrong guy. You will regret marrying way too soon to this person all your life. But if you do get married to a wrong guy, not for one second regret walking out of a marriage. Do not make mistake of staying in a bad marriage just coz you invested few years in the relationship. Think about the future you could save by walking out of an abusive relationship the minute you realise it’s not worth it.

Do not fall into the trap of biological clock. Becoming a mother is important part of being a woman I agree but thankfully it is not the only part of your identity. If you do become a mom by the time you reach 30, it’s awesome. But if you crossed that timeline and don’t see a partner in near future, don’t fret, you can still become a mom. There is adoption and IVF and if all these options do not work out, still you are no less of a woman. All this love you have in your heart for children will not go to waste I promise !!! Thanks to so many nieces and nephews. Value and appreciate and love the people who stand by you and forgive the people who bring you down.

Please do not attach your identity to one job, one man or one kid. You are way more than all these things combined. Important thing is, find a purpose of your life. If you have to pray for something, ask God to help put your life to use. Find what moves your soul and do not rest until you find it and once you find it do not give it up for anything or anyone.

I hope you realise soon enough what a miracle you are. Never stop crying in airport scenes of romantic comedies. Never stop believing in happily ever after coz you are going to live and you will be happy with or without the red wedding dress and man at the end of aisle or a baby in the cradle.

With Lots of Love,
Your Thirty One year Old Self

P.S. Your colour is not Red; It’s Yellow. I know coz I have made this mistake.

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Save yourself from Imposter Syndrome

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“I felt like there had been some mistake, that I wasn’t smart enough to be in this company, and that every time I opened my mouth I would have to prove that I wasn’t just a dumb actress.”- Natalie Portman in her Harvard Commencement Speech.

“Sometimes I wake up in the morning before going off to a shoot, and I think, I can’t do this.  I’m a fraud.” – Kate Winslett

“I have written eleven books, but each time I think, ‘uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.” – Maya Angelou

“You think, “Why would anyone want to see me again in a movie? And I don’t know how to act anyway, so why am I doing this?” – Meryl Streep

“When I was younger, I just did it. I just acted. It was just there. So now when I receive recognition for my acting, I feel incredibly uncomfortable. I tend to turn in on myself. I feel like an impostor. It was just something I did.” – Emma Watson

‘Even though I had sold 70 million albums, there I was feeling like “I’m no good at this.” – Jennifer Lopez

The above admissions of suffering Imposter syndrome, coming from one of the most eminent women our time has known, are not the only ones. The list is never ending. In fact, Imposter syndrome is quite common and according to research over 70% of people have experienced it at one time or the other in their lives. Imposter syndrome is feeling inadequate—even when the opposite is true. Believe it or not, people who are very successful in life experience it the most. They typically feel they don’t deserve their achievements or successes. It is a psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to see their own accomplishments, dismissing them as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be. And this does not just concern the celebrities but is something anyone can undergo. Both men and women can suffer from what psychologists have dubbed the Impostor Syndrome, however, it’s something women struggle with more often and more openly. The worse is not knowing that such a phenomenon exists and constantly live under this fear of getting caught.

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Two American psychologists, Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes, gave it a name in 1978: the impostor syndrome. They described it as a feeling of “phoniness in people who believe that they are not intelligent, capable or creative despite evidence of high achievement.” While these people “are highly motivated to achieve,” they also “live in fear of being ‘found out’ or exposed as frauds.” Having laid out the various ways in which one can be experiencing this syndrome it is also important to understand why we feel this way. It is believed that a part of the impostor syndrome comes from a natural sense of humility about our work. That’s healthy, but it can easily cross the line into paralyzing fear. When we have a skill or talent that has come naturally we tend to discount its value.

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And Why is that? Well, we often hesitate to believe that what’s natural, maybe even easy for us, can offer any value to the world. In fact, the very act of being really good at something can lead us to discount its value. But after spending a lot of time fine-tuning our ability, isn’t it sort of the point for our skill to look and feel natural? So how to make this feeling go away? There are two things to bear in mind. The first is that some measure of doubt is healthy, manifesting as what we’d typically refer to as diligence or rigour. Second is that someone’s coping strategy for dealing with impostor syndrome is a very specific solution, one that’s particular to their circumstances. Having said that, here are a few takeaways’ that are universal and might help in some way or the other.

Give yourself an appraisal

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This is particularly useful if you’re self-employed. When there isn’t anyone to give you positive feedback, you need to be the one to supply it. List any achievements you’re proud of. What are your skills? What could you talk about for hours? Chances are, you’re better than the vast majority of people at these things.

Remember that awareness is a good thing

The sheer fact that you’re critical about your abilities is a sign that you care. A key ingredient to mastering anything is to care enough about it that you want to improve. If the greats felt imposter syndrome (and they did) you can put yourself on the same tumultuous path to mastery.

Make a “feel good” file

This is a file — physical or digital — where you save all the positive testimonials, kind words, praise and thanks that you receive. Every time you need a bit of a confidence boost, remind yourself of your greatness by flicking through this file.

Spend time with those who lift you up

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While it’s easy to get absorbed into our own bubble when dealing with a dip in confidence, one of the best things we can do is surround ourselves with others who will pull us out of our slump. Carla Busazi, former editor-in-chief of the Huffington Post UK, recommends a glass of wine or a lunch with someone who can reassure you that are worthy, brilliant, and fully deserving of your success. Conversely, take a step back from those who make you feel inadequate. Although it may not be intentional, some people will only remind us of our flaws and ultimately contribute to our lack of confidence.

Keep a journal

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Every day make a note of one thing you achieved or felt good about that day. Some use daily affirmations to train their brain to feel more confident, but I recommend starting with achievements; they are more concrete and measurable. The practice of writing down these accomplishments ultimately will increase self-confidence and belief in your abilities. Whatever you do, don’t let imposter syndrome or lack of confidence hold you back.

All of this leads to the final and most important step: learning how to live with the impostor syndrome. While the above techniques may or may not help you, acknowledging and embracing your fear is definitely the starting point.

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What it takes to be safe in India

What it takes to be safe in India-letstalkrandomdotcom

Let's Talk Random What it takes to be safe in India Positivity Dosage RANDOM
The tale is as old as time itself and it will sound familiar. Many will stop reading thinking this yet another rumbling of a frustrated feminist, some might wonder aren’t people bored already of same story over and over again where only name and location of characters is changed and rest all remains the same. Some like me, will get very angry yet again and wonder is this the last, it cannot get worse; only to be proven wrong within next few days. Wars have been fought for dignity of women in the past, volumes of literature written and for mere mortals like us, Bollywood led the crusade. Not just any Bollywood weirdo mind you but the very best Amitabh Bachchan, the Legend took upon himself and led from the front. Memory of “Pink” is very fresh and not long back, Social Media was overflowing with hard hitting dialogues from the movie which I believed had the power to stir the soul of creepiest pervert. The universe was unexpectedly quick to prove me wrong !!! News papers on 1st day of 2017 were filled with that shameful incident of Mass Molestation in Bangalore.

Mass Molestation:
 Disturbing right? I had no idea before this incident that such a word/phenomenon exists. All this got me to thinking of all the things people suggest women to do in order to be safe:

Call Molesters ‘Bhaiya: Probably the most cringe-worthy of all the suggestions from self-styled Godman who himself is serving Jail Term on account of molestation of a minor girl. There is so much filth in this man’s brain that he could easily be identified as a human embodiment of crap. What is more disturbing is that there are people who actually identify with crap and listen to him and worse agree with him. So make perverts your brother and hope their hearts will be filled with sisterly love when a few minutes back they were lurking and salivating all over you.

Do not dress ‘Provocatively’: One of the politicians, after this Bangalore incident (although it was not his first and I am sure will not be his last sexist comment) suggested that if women consider being half naked as fashion then what do they expect. Let me point out the irony here; Ayesha Takia, that cute girl in a crop top, showing off her stomach in that remix song of “Nahi Nahi Abhi Nahi” is his Daughter in Law. Thankfully this girl has condemned this hopelessly stupid statement. On behalf of every girl who loves crop tops I am indebted.

Do not go out with ‘Strangers’: Okay fine! This one makes sense. If you are accompanied by family members and particularly Husband as suggested by the same politician as above you will be safe. But there is one condition applied here, your husband has to be Spiderman or Batman or that weirdo Superman who wears undies over pants. Coz how else will one Man (even if he is husband) protect you from “mass molestation” when five husbands of Draupadi could not save her from the ordeal? Bad news is that, last time I checked, Spiderman was madly in love with Mary Jane and Batman has Robin, you have to stand in line for these men. And Superman seriously? Please don’t! It looks really gross.

We live in a country where Amitabh Bachchan is a failure. Isn’t it shameful? So, in short making perverts your ‘Bhaiya’, staying hidden in layers and layers of clothes and marrying someone who wears underwear over pants may save you from such instances. May alright! Nothing is set in stone here. History is a witness that here in India often Gods themselves fall short of being qualified as humans when it comes to protection of women.

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No Carry-ons Next Year. Please!

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That magical time of the year is upon us again!! That time when we start looking forward to 365 new opportunities to make the wrongs rights, when the whole world appears to be on our platters and Sun shines brighter (metaphorically!). Yes, that time of the year when we start counting down for the new year, when we hope to create a better tomorrow for ourselves. But in order to create a better tomorrow, first and foremost we need to leave behind Yesterdays. So people, after thinking (and overthinking) here are a few things you better not carry on with yourselves next year…

That 26” waisted skinny jeans: Okay!! Acknowledged.. you were skinny once (please focus on once). You are not now. And I mean it in a loving and fun way babes. You now have curves which can give Beyonce a run for money. Love your curves. Curvy you is prettier you. Give those jeans away, if they did not fit you in the last 2 years probably they never will. Get over it. Hanging your hopes high will probably not solve any purpose. Declutter your wardrobe and make space for new ripped ones…

Those extra kilograms that make you catch breath: 
Before you start calling me confused because I asked you to throw away jeans and kgs all at once, let me be clear, I don’t want you to go back to that jeans yes. But I do want you to get back into that Little Black Dress. Also, I don’t like to see you catching breath, after few flights of stairs. You ran like a wind once girl… You can be skinny if you want or curvy if you want but I want you to take care of yourself. Declutter your body and make space for the new improved you.

Those “friends” who never have time for you:
 Let’s face it! You called 20 times and planned to meet 20 times last year. Somehow you are the one who keeps calling and you do not remember last time you got their call. The message is pretty clear here, right? I am surprised that a smartass like you did not get it at the very first time. Stop doing that now alright. Let them come back to you and then decide if you have spare time left from your super-tight schedule of being awesome all the time. Declutter your time and make space for some new and better friends…

Those memories of a long lost ex: If you are as smart as I hope and want you to be, you must have deleted his number from your cellphone. But what do we do to this super awesome brain which serves as a storage house for all the crap? Here I hope that sense must have prevailed by now and there are no instances of crying and whining phone calls. But in case you need to be reminded, that person is an ex for a reason. Every time you miss him (which is all the more likely this time thanks to holiday season), take a minute and think of all the times that man/woman made you feel not good enough. I mean seriously, you and not enough? You could be guilty of being too much at times I agree but never not enough. Let go of him/her who does not deserve you. Declutter your heart from ‘X’ and make space for some ‘Y’s and ‘Z’s…

That feeling of regret: You have been carrying that regret for so long now that you can also change your middle name to regret. “If only I took up that job”, “If only I did not marry that jerk” or “If only I had the courage to follow my passion”. You did not do what you should have done and what you wanted to do for so long. Fine, Guilty! But what is stopping you now? Get up and dress the part and get out and go rule the world. Again metaphorically although you can do a better job than most so-called world leaders. Declutter your soul from regret and make some space for hope.

Have a wonderful New Year people. Hope all of you find your purpose in life. Don’t forget to share your thoughts on the comments below.

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10 mistakes that single women make

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Women in today’s modern world are lucky to be living in an age where being single is not considered taboo. A single woman can go about her life happily, without having to worry too much about finding the right man. However, it is every woman’s innate desire to finally settle down with a man who will love and respect her for all that she truly is. All of us want to find love and happiness in a relationship that is both pleasing and fulfilling.
Women are often more introspective than men when it comes to relationships. They are constantly looking for ways to improve their relationships, and in turn, improve themselves. The truth, however, is that while each individual is unique, the problems they face in looking for Prince Charming or Mr. Right are universal.
Here is a definitive list of the Top 10 Mistakes that Single Women Make in their attempt to attract Prince Charming enough to make him want to stay.
1)     Revealing Too Much about Yourself: This is one of the primary problems that plague single women all over the world. We reveal too much about ourselves too soon. The moment a man opens up even a little bit, we go all out in telling him all about ourselves, our likes and dislikes, our needs and sometimes even our past. Now, it isn’t that I am advocating that you hide things from him, but do leave a little room for suspense. Every man in this world likes his woman to be a little mysterious. Men are intrigued by things they don’t know, or can’t control. So give out a little of yourself at a time. Let him discover all that you are over time. Open up to him as the relationship builds and progresses.
2)     Trying to be Perfect: In the desire to be perfect for the “one”, too many women try to change themselves to an unnatural extent. The truth is that there is no such thing as absolute perfection. You should aspire to be interesting, rather than trying to be perfect. An interesting personality will always hold a man’s attention, while a quest for perfection will only be exhausting and unrelenting.
3)     Dressing Too Revealingly: This is another common mistake that many women make. Showing too much skin is unlikely to help you find a long-lasting, meaningful relationship. Women obviously like being called sexy, and a little show of skin only adds to the appeal of a woman. However, it is a very risky game to play. One needs to strike the perfect balance. Dress too modestly and you will be labelled as old-fashioned; but dress too revealingly and you will only attract the wrong kind of attention. Although they may do it unconsciously, all men make assessments on the kind of relationship they can have with a woman based on the way she dresses. So make sure you aren’t dressing in a way that sends out the wrong kind of signals.
4)     Making Excuses about Why He Won’t Commit: The simple truth is that most men are commitment-phobic. The sooner you come to terms with this fact, the easier it will be for you to seek a partner who is actually committed to you. There is no use in lying to yourself and making excuses about something you don’t want to face up to. If a man says he that he can’t be monogamous, just take his word for it and believe him.
5)     Trying to Change a “Bad Boy”: Bad boys are actually bad. There is nothing you can really do to change them, and you shouldn’t even try to. That is not your job. Many women try to achieve a complete makeover of a man they are in a relationship with. They want to change his habits, his friends and his total outlook on life, and basically make a good husband out of a bad man. This is just not possible, and ultimately you will end up feeling like a failure. If you do not like all you have seen in a man, either get used to it, or just quit the relationship.
6)     Believing that There is No One for You: After several bad relationships and experiences, most women start thinking that maybe there is no one out there who wants to marry them. This is absolute nonsense. God has made this world in such a way that there is always someone for each and everyone. Have faith in yourself and be patient. You are amazing and only the right kind of man will truly see that in you. Don’t ever give up hope. Be confident and just wait for the right man to come along.
7)     Settling for Someone who is Not Nice to You all the Time: A woman has been called the most beautiful creature on Earth. Any man who truly respects woman will always make you feel like the special and beautiful person you are. A good man will always treat you like a princess. Do not put up with a man who doesn’t treat you a princess all the time. Don’t ever settle for anything less than the absolute dedication and admiration that you so rightfully deserve.
8)     Leaving Total Control of Yourself in His Hands: This is a mistake that most of us have made at some point of time or the other. Most of us love to have someone we can lean on and depend on. However, you should make sure that while you might lean on your man at times, you don’t become completely dependent on him. The moment you transfer total control of your life and your relationship in his hands, you are making the mistake of subjugating yourself and losing respect in the process. Remember, the more you are in control of yourself, the more likely you are to win his heart.
9)     Dating Married Men: Simply put, if you are looking for a relationship that will definitely end in marriage, it should not be with a married man. You do know that going out with a married man is adultery. No woman, including you, likes to share a man. Therefore, do not go near another woman’s husband. After all, if he can be unfaithful to his present wife, what makes you think he will not be unfaithful to you? There are many better single men out there. It’s an open market. Just keep away from married men.
10) Always Being a “Yes” Person: Every man likes a girl he can count as his equal. Agreeing with everything he says, as opposed to it as you may actually be, will only make him lose respect for you. Do not blindly agree with everything your man says or wants to do. Use your own judgement and try to figure out if you really agree with him. Learn to say “No” if you don’t agree.
The bottom line is that you are an original. No one can be a better you. This is why when you try to be something you are not, you are likely to do a bad job of it. And if you want to find the perfect man for yourself, it simply has to be a person who sees the real you and loves what he sees. So, all that is left to be said is that the world is your oyster. Go forth… and conquer!!! 
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